Open Letter to Uday Chopra, Priyanka Chopra and Jugal Hansraj (Henceforth referred to as UC, PC, and JH, not out of affection, just laziness):

Hi Guys,

Need some clarifications. About your latest 'venture'. Yes, that one. The very same. Pyar Impossible.

1. Why do you want to eliminate the human race by inflicting such torture on us?

2. Is there a message? Are we supposed to look for one?

3. If the message is "Falling for looks is shallow" then please explain to us dimwits why UC's character is shown to be 'madly in love with' PC's character to the extent of collecting her used plastic cups? Or is it for her DNA sample for some new cloning experiment?

4. Does a geek always have to have oiled parted hair, spectacles and braces? Any idea what trouble parents have in getting their kids to wear specs or braces based on the loosely researched stereotypes that you create?

5. In such an abundant script, could you atleast give PC a bathroom in the future, so that she doesn't have to take bath and live in a towel in the girls' common room?

6. So, because of the message thing you did not want to give UC good looks. Could you atleast give him some IQ in the next movie? Or some self respect? You are the Gods, you decide.

7. The kid. Children in hindi cinema are grossly misrepresented. They are treated either like retards or like bindu-helen-asrani-cupid-amrishpuri rolled into one. If any average Indian 6 year old acted like the kid in this movie, s/he would be grounded. For life. And I think this one should be grounded too...

8. So, we hire a nanny. Then we get them to do house work. Then we ask them to cook an impossibly elaborate Thai dinner at an hour's notice. And then we ask them for love-advice. And take them out for coffee. Way of life. Very normal, yes.

9. This one is for PC. After getting that award for Fashion last year, are you doing movies like What's your Rashee and Pyaar Impossible to ward off the evil eye?

10. Again, why?

A curious viewer.

Mantras in Hindi Soap Operas

Eavesdropping is the Name
No two people in a hindi serial shall have conversations without a third person (usually one who is not supposed to be around in that scene) listening in. All the plotting and scheming shall occur within easy listening range of the targets.

The "Kaagzaat" Trump Card
All property in soap-land is easily transferable. Legal transactions are over simplified and Kaagzaat of the house/hotel/company are easily available to everyone from the bahus to the baas, from the babujis to the local bhelpuri walas.

Thou Shalt Never Be 'Bling-less'
Even if woken up at 3 am, the protagonist (or any other character) shall never appear on screen without daisy-fresh make up, lipstick and the full works. In a silk sari, no less (WHO goes to bed in a silk sari? I could barely make it through my 3 hour wedding ceremony in one...)

Money Matters
Yes, we are a poor family. We are in deep financial doodoo. We're are on the verge of bankruptcy. But our house, it has 48 rooms and 362 bathrooms. Fully furnished. It is ancestral property. We are plenty emotional about it and will never sell it off. Or lease it. Even if we have to make human puppets with our own hair to make a living.

Of incomplete sentences:
"I saw you talking to her."
"Arre, lekin..."
Pause
"I know you were cheating on me."
"Meri baat to suno..."
Pause.
"I want a divorce"
"Par maine to..."
Pause.
Bam! Out she walks...
I would seriously recommend neurological evaluation to this guy. He has obvious difficulty in completing sentences...and they call this a misunderstanding?